Breaking Down - from Katie Hogan’s Blog “Ignite the Fire”
Bent over, hands on my knees, head down. Trying to focus on what’s in front of me, trying to move past the feeling of doubt, trying to stop the negative thoughts. I close my eyes, I stand back up, tears in my eyes I can’t see the goal anymore, it’s clouded by frustration, disappointment, and feelings of failure. I’ve stopped myself before I even had a chance to succeed, to win.
For me, winning in sports doesn’t happen in the game or after 3-2-1-Go, it happens weeks before, months before, when I find myself lost in the middle of my training. Confused, doubtful, anxious, angry, and broken down by my thoughts I hear training partners and coaches tell me to shake it off, to not be so hard on myself, to focus on the positive. I hear their words. I understand their message, but I’m buried. I’m told once more that I have a choice: stop the negative, destructive, self-talk, or lose.
Breaking down. That’s the best way I can describe it. I feel like I crumble from the inside out. I will beat myself before the clock even starts, before I touch the bar. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time; all the way back through high school, and possibly before that I don’t know. I remember in track and field when I was throwing the discus for my high school state-qualifying meet. My warm-ups were shaky so I got frustrated with myself and continued to do worse through all three of my competition throws. They each fell at least 75ft short of where I would normally be. I couldn’t stand the disappointment I was to myself and broke down. I remember that feeling so well. I feel it in my training now more and more. I break myself down again and again.
It’s not the Open, it’s not Regionals, it’s not the Games. It’s now. It’s right in front of me. It’s not the workout, it’s not the other competitors, it’s not the pain. It’s me.
Now I am realizing a parallel in my training program. I started Crossfit and found initial success in competition off of pure power and little technique. I had raw strength and could find a way to keep moving through workouts on that alone. As the game has escalated, so has my training. Things had to be re-evaluated and the lack of technique I had gotten by on for so long had to change.
I changed my positions first. I started over. I relearned how to squat, deadlift, press. I relearned how to stand properly and how to control my body better. Then I started to reconstruct my running mechanics, then my rowing mechanics. I started to rebuild my Olympic lifting from the ground up. I started to create a foundation in my gymnastics by revisiting the basics. I broke down every aspect of my game to the bare bones and asked myself to perform at my best. And I wanted to be better than my best. I’ve been focusing my training on breaking myself down so that I could be rebuilt stronger, faster, and more efficient. It was the only way to get me to reach my goals of being the best. However, I’ve broken myself down mentally in the process.
This is where I am now, and it’s not where I want to be, I need to find a way to dig myself out. I don’t know how. It’s not a switch I’ve been able to turn off in the past, or a volume button I’ve been able to turn down much. I know it can be done. I’m going to find out how.
WOD:
20 Min EMOM
Odd- 4 Power Cleans (155/115 or 135/95 or 95/65)
Even -5 Front Squat (155/115 or 135/95 or 95/65) NO RACKS MUST BE CLEANED UP
